Admitting a funny mistake, rewinding the blooper reel is a great way to open up a conversation with someone or to maybe even explore a deeper conversation with onself. At least that is what I keep telling my meditation students. Sharing something of ourselves opens a door, illustrates a point and can be a bonding experience.
I began this blogging journey as a way of trying to check all of the boxes above and hopefully help someone along the way. Maybe even convince them to give mediation a try. And so some of the lessons learned have been hard and are really not fully learned even at this juncture in my life.
A big one -- self worth. How did I get into my mid-50(ish) something years and still not learn this lesson? Well let me tell ya... it takes lots of practice of making the same mistakes over and over, refusing to see my own self worth, holding on to beliefs that have never served me and a big scoop of fear of what others will think or say. Its a recipe for success or disaster; whichever outcome you prefer.
I could regale you with stories of bad relationships, mean bosses, horrible teachers, blah blah blah-- but this is not about what others have done/said/inflicted on me; this is about my reaction to the feelings that came from the experience. Or rather my lack of reaction.
I grew up scared of my own shadow in a lot of ways, and yet I was loved, had a roof over my head, a full belly and many happy memories. But my parents fought ( a lot!!) and I somehow at an early age internalized the anger and violence in my house as MY FAULT. Of course the anger and fighting was happening long before I was born, but I took on the belief that I was responsible to fix the situation and that the fighting was also my fault.
Of course, none of it was my fault. I was a toddler, a child. But go read the countless studies on the topic of children's perception of high parental conflict; how it sends the child into a state of perpetual high alert. As a result, children may have difficulty sleeping, concentrating on school or social activities; or be plagued with fear and anxiety about their future.
When parents argue excessively and for too long, it can leave children feeling insecure and fearful. Even if it's not the parents' intention to cause harm, ongoing conflict can threaten a child's sense of safety. Truth be told, parents forget that children are vulnerable to feeling in the middle between their parents' arguments. This was a very real portrait of life in my home when I was a child.
I know my parents never meant to intentionally cause me harm and honestly I have long made peace with their issues. However, the resultant self esteem and self respect issues that I carried still rear their ugly heads from time to time and that has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn how to tame.
What happens when children are exposed to high conflict drama on a regular basis? Well, it leaves him or her with the ultimate feeling of rejection. Many kids internalize the dysfunction of their family and feel it is their fault.
Often, parents take great pains to make sure their children understand they aren't to blame for the conflicts; but still kids often will experience a disconnect between logic and emotions, leaving them with low self-worth and it carries into other areas of their adult life.
Repeating the same pattern of reaction to conflict and being aware of that repetition is the real lesson to be learned.
For me, when a teacher yelled at me ( yes I was a sassy girl), when a boss criticized me, when a friend gossiped about me, when relationship became a mine field of constant put-downs, rudeness and feelings of being devalued-- my reactionary pattern went something like this:
1) Panic
2) Instantly feel worthless
3)Fear of not being loved by ( teacher, friend, boss etc etc) would kick in
4)Fear of what others will say or do
5)Try to fix the situation by taking on way more of the burden and responsibility than necessary
6) Apologize incessantly
7)Overcompensate by doing even more people pleasing just to avoid more conflict
8)Feelings of self loathing for not having the courage to stand up for myself because I was afraid of the conflict it would create ....and then... start back all over at #1.
The cycle of shame, fear, self loathing, feeling worthless and the exhaustion of taking on way too much responsibility for everyone's happiness ( at the expense of my own) took a toll on me. Despite recognizing the same pattern in each conflict I encountered ( whether it was my fault or not); I just didn't feel that I had the worthiness to do much except just live with it.
And guess what happens when you allow people to treat you like a piece of shit? They will keep doing it. Not because they are bad people but because its easier and the dynamic of the relationship is established until someone puts up a boundary and says... "hold on there, sport, you don't get to treat me like that".
This is what is so discomfiting-- is that the lack of respect you allow actually confirms your beliefs about yourself. If you have a deep-rooted belief that you're a loser or that you're unworthy, you'll surround yourself with people who confirm your conclusions. ( you know the old saying about you attract more of what you put out?)
It's a vicious cycle that's hard to break. When you're treated poorly, you'll feel worse about yourself. And the worse you feel, the less likely you are to believe you deserve to be treated better.
So what needs to change? The first step in creating change is to recognize that you deserve to be treated with respect--and to discover why you've allowed someone to mistreat you. Then, you can begin to set healthy boundaries and limit the toll they take on your life.
That may mean saying no when certain things are requested of you (like refusing to take on extra work duties when you are already overburdened). Or, it may mean ending a conversation every time the other individual becomes disrespectful (like hanging up the phone every time your business colleague begins yelling at you).
There's a good chance the other person won't respond well to your boundaries at first. So then what? More of the same vicious cycle? Yikes
What happens when the dynamic doesn't change even when you've had enough, established boundaries around what you will and won't tolerate and the situation continues? Well that is the fork in the road. Because just by establishing a boundary, doesn't prevent someone from still dishonouring it. After all, the boundary could actually create more conflict.
Ugh, c'mon man!
All the therapy and all the meditation and books and crystals and potions and incantations and chicken shaking in the world cannot instantly give you courage. The courage to walk away from someone, some place, some job, some family, some friend, some neighbour, some situation..... well my friend, that comes from finally looking in the mirror and saying "I've had enough of this shit, I'm done, I'm worth more than whatever they think or say.
And then put on your shiny, ruby -red slippers and walk the fuck away.
Then and only then will that little person inside of you who carried all the burdens, all the fears and self doubt finally get to run and play.
I am not advocating never ever working on better relationships , friendships, work relationships or even a beef with a neighbour. Of course , yes, compromise and middle ground are hallmarks of a civilized society but if there is zero respect for you no matter what you do, then, by all means walk out that door ( metaphorically perhaps) and do what's best for you.
I admit I am still struggling with some of this myself. I find that it is easier to hide behind my work ethic or my sense of humour. I detest drama and conflict and will do anything to avoid it but I know that in each of our lives come a pivotal moment when the lyrics of that famous Clash song suddenly play in your head.... should I stay or should I go? ( great now that's stuck in my head).
When its time to walk away for good from whatever the situation is -- do it with no regrets, no guilt. And in case no one told you this today... you have worth and deserve to feel that way.
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