I am notorious for saying " no, thats ok, I can do it myself"..... I have never liked putting people out or feeling dependent on someone else for something I can do myself. Sounds badass when I explain it like that, but more times than I care to count, I have ended up backtracking to find help or doing something that took twice as long than if I had just accepted the offer of help.
I'm not sure I know where my stubborn streak comes from... haha.. but I definitely have one when it comes to accepting help from others. It ends up biting me in the ass and then leaves me feeling resentful.
When someone offers to assist me with something, whether it’s a work project, folding laundry or cleaning up the dishes after dinner, it’s easy to instinctively turn them down. Even if I know they’re well-meaning, a person throwing their generosity my way can make me feel uncomfortable, though I couldn't always explain why.
It’s alright to enjoy being independent, but routinely refusing help has left me feeling exhausted and caused me to drift away from loved ones because I end up feeling resentful.
One time, many years ago in my previous career with the government , I was tasked with a very long, tedious and complicated report that needed to be perfect as it was going to be used as evidence in a court proceeding. I had done a dozen or so of these similar reports but this one was extra arduous and my supervisor had assigned another co-worker to help me in the preparations. I turned him down with my customary "no thanks, I can do it myself". Only to find that I couldn't do it without help. It was way longer than I realized and after several days, I sheepishly returned to my supervisor to ask for help. The project was finished a day later, after an extra set of eyes and hands to help me.
I am not a glory hog; I don't worry about sharing the accolades on a job well done, and so why do I so quickly deflect help when its offered?
Most people genuinely enjoy lending others a helping hand. I mean, I know I do. I like helping others. It feels good to support the people you care about through acts of kindness. So why is it hard to accept those same acts of kindness for myself? There are a few possible reasons.
If you’re the kind of person who works hard to appear strong and independent, accepting help could make you feel vulnerable and conflict with your sense of self. You may think that accepting help would make you weak or indicate a failure on your part. In reality, though, giving and receiving help is part of the human social experience and doesn’t reflect on your strength or weakness.
You may also struggle to accept help if you feel like you don’t deserve it. If you struggle with low self-esteem, you might feel guilty for accepting help or worry about imposing on others. This can cause you to bottle up your feelings and endure problems on your own, rather than ask for the help you need.
I learned to get better at accepting help from others. Not great, mind you, but better... Im still working on it.....
I had to begin by finding the source of my discomfort: I asked myself why I dislike asking for help. Is it my pride? Did I have a bad experience asking for help in the past?
I can say with honesty that its not pride, but I definitely had experiences where I asked for help and didn't get it and it left me feeling unworthy and bitter. These were times, when I really needed the help and support of someone close to me and they flat out denied the help. I felt abandoned and angry. I also learned to never count on them ( or anyone for that matter)
But once I understood the source of my discomfort, I began challenging it. Once I realized that my worth and value had nothing to do with the situation and that not everyone was as uncaring as that individual had been; I began to shift the narrative I had believed for so long that asking for help doesn't make me weak and not receiving it doesn't make me a victim.
Also, I have learned to consider the other side: Before you reject someone’s offer to help, consider how you would feel in their position. If you like helping people, think of accepting help as a chance to give others that same opportunity.
For me the lesson learned was that asking and accepting help isn't weak, its actually an example of how to take care of myself. Im learning to be strong enough to stand alone, smart enough to know when I need help and brave enough to ask for help when I need it.
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